Kurapika is Dead (Long Live Everyone Else)
by Laziness Incarnate
Summary: ...Leorio kills Kurapika with No,


**Kurapika is Dead (Long Live Everyone Else)**

Leorio burst into the room and also burst into tears, but did not burst into song. He burst out, "I killed Kurapika with sex!"

"Alack, and alas, and a what?" Gon responded appropriately.

"I like candy," said Killua.

Leorio led them into the adjoining room and showed them that Kurapika was, indeed, dead. He was also naked, and sweaty, and his hair was messily yet sexily tousled.

"Forthwith and what ho!" exclaimed Gon distressedly. "What manner of going-ons have been going on in this den of villainy and male-on-male sex?"

"I like eye candy," said Killua.

Leorio's hands wrung the air as if he were for some reason distraught, or as if he were for some reason milking an invisible cow.

"I like milk candy too," said Killua.

"Yaargh," Leorio ignored Killua's apathetic assassin's aplomb, "yargh, yargh. We were...okay, maybe we were fooling around. And maybe he tied me up with chains. And maybe I enjoyed it. And maybe at some point in the past Kurapika made a vow only to use his powers for righteous revenge and not for deviancy, because with great power comes great responsibility, and if he ever strayed from his path his own vow would kill him, but I didn't know that!"

"Lo, it is indeed strange," mused Gon with great application of his intellect. "In the past he has many a time employed his chains for endeavours that were but ancillary to his revenge, and did so without consequence, dire or otherwise. Truly, this mystery could not be more mysterious! But 'twould be well to consider that never before has Kurapika used his powers for anything so frivolous as bondage play, and thus dead as a doornail our friend is, or perhaps deader."

"Damn it, Gon, I'm a doctor, not a useless linguist."

"I really, really like candy," Killua reminded them, sharpening his claws pointedly into little points.

"How can you talk about that at a time like this!" Leorio re-burst out, looking also as if he might re-burst into tears. He strode over to the lovely yet dead corpse and took its hand. "Kurapika...looks so peaceful...for the first time, so peaceful, like a baby. A beautiful, naked, angelic...baby."

"I like stealing candy from babies," Killua remarked.

"And I like stealing cherries from little boys," Hisoka reminded them, suddenly appearing from stage left!

"Gads, what devilry is this!" Gon cried out. "Why, it is in fact the devil himself! Hisoka, why be you here?!"

"I was surprised when I felt Kurapika's nen die," explained Hisoka with perfect non-insanity. "And also I was surprised to learn that Leorio was bottom."

"Bottom?" echoed Gon.

"Candy bottom?" wondered Killua.

"How did you know? Never mind that," Leorio cut in hastily. "Is there anything you can do for Kurapika?"

"Why, do you want him back as an undead love doll to do your every twisted bidding?"

"Nooooo, I was hoping you could bring him back to life in a normal way."

"Of course not," scoffed Hisoka. "But maybe Kururo Lucifer could do something for you, he being a man of many talents."

Killua gave Hisoka a hopeful look.

"No, I don't think making candy is one of them."

Killua went back to sharpening his claws.

"Hold thy thoughts," Gon broke in, wearing a look of consternation. "Kururo Lucifer? Undoubtedly he will have regained use of his evil magicks and will seek revenge upon Kurapika and those who call themselves his comrades! Or did call themselves as such, before Kurapika died! Those comrades being us! We three not-so-strong peoples! We must needs get out of here! The jig is totally up!"

"Boo," said Kururo Lucifer from the window.

"WE ARE UNDONE!"

"I LIKE CANDY!"

"AUAGH RUN AWAAAAAY!"

They ran away.

Then Leorio came back and grabbed Kurapika's body. Then he ran away again.

Kururo Lucifer looked at Hisoka, who was still there.

Hisoka looked at Kururo Lucifer, who was also still there and pretty hot in his evil goth kind of way. Even if he looked kind of silly in his window.

Hisoka held out his arms and thrust out his hips to one side. "Kiss and make up?"

"No."

"How about a fight?"

"No."

"Hmph. I guess that's the end of that."

"Yes."

THE END

WAIT EXCEPT FOR EPILOGUE

"It's a good thing we finally found some candy," Leorio sighed.

"Nom nom nom," said Killua.

"Forsooth, I have a thought weighing heavily upon my mind-"

"Would you just drop it? Do you even know what 'forsooth' means?"

"No." Gon hung his head. "Well, but anyway, I just remembered...didn't someone say that nen can become stronger after death, if the feelings of the person were strong enough?"

"So...what are you getting at?"

Gon bit his lip nervously.

Leorio's eyes swivelled to Kurapika's body, which he was carrying over his shoulder like a naked sack of potatoes.

Like a naked sack of potatoes _wriggling with unholy life_.

"DAMN IT I SAID I DIDN'T WANT AN UNDEAD LOVE DOLL!"

"WE ARE UNDONE AGAIN!"

"NOM NOM CANDY NOM!"

"RAARARGGHGHAGH BRAAAAAAINNNSSS."

And Kurapika ate all their brains.

But died (again) of diabetes after eating too much Killua.

THE END FOR REALS


End file.
